Jokes 4

Other jokes from the archive.

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Archived on 6/20/98

Red Neck Health Plan

The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too. The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slow. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too. The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too. As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door. Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door. Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawing disability!"


I have a spelling checker.
It came with my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot see.

Eye ran this poem threw it.
Your sure real glad two no.
Its very polished in its weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.

A checker is a blessing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed, And aides me when aye rime.

Each frays comes posed up on my screen. Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours over every word
To check sum spelling rule.

Bee fore a veiling checkers
Hour spelling mite decline,
And if we're lacks oar have a laps,
We wood bee maid too wine.

Butt now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults with in my cite, Of nun eye am a wear.

Now spelling does not phase me,
It does knot bring a tier.
My pay purrs awl due glad den
With wrapped words fare as hear.

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can, Sew flaws are knot aloud.

Sow ewe can sea why aye dew prays
Such soft wear four pea seas,
And why eye brake in two averse
Buy righting want too please

- Unknown Author


A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is   driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells:   "PIG!!"  The man immediately leans out his window and replies "BITCH."  They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

Fun Facts

Though not exactly humorous, you may find it interesting. 


A Diary of a Future "Smart Home" Owner

November 28, 2085: Moved in at last. Finally, we live in the smartest house in the neighborhood. Everything's networked. The cable TV is connected to our phone, which is connected to my PC, which is connected to the power lines, all the appliances and the security system. Everything runs off a universal remote with the friendliest interface I've ever used. Programming is a snap. I'm, like, totally wired.

November 30: Hot stuff! Programmed my VCR from the office, turned up the thermostat and switched on the lights with the car phone, remotely tweaked the oven a few degrees for my pizza. Everything nice and cozy when I arrived. Maybe I should get the universal remote surgically attached.

December 3: Yesterday, the kitchen crashed. Freak event. As I opened the refrigerator door, the light bulb blew. Immediately, everything else electrical shut down -- lights, microwave, coffee maker -- everything! Carefully, I unplugged and replugged all the appliances. Nothing. Called the cable company (but not from the kitchen phone). They referred me to the utility company. The utility insists the problem was in the software. So the software company runs some remote telediagnostics through my house processor. Their expert system claims it has to be the utility's fault. I don't care, I just want  my kitchen back. More phone calls. More remote diagnostics. Turns out the problem was "unanticipated failure mode" -- The network had never seen a refrigerator bulb failure while the door was open. So the fuzzy logic interpreted the burnout as a power surge and shut down the entire kitchen. But, because sensor memory confirmed that there hadn't actually been a power surge, the kitchens' logic sequence was confused so it couldn't do a standard restart. The utility guy swears this was the first time this has ever happened. Rebooting the kitchen took over an hour.

December 7: The police are not happy, Our house keeps calling them for help. We discover that whenever we play the TV or stereo above 25 decibels, it creates   patterns of micro-vibrations that get amplified when they hit the window. When these vibrations mix with a just of wind, the security sensors are actuated and the police computer concludes that someone in trying to bread in. Go figure. Another glitch: whenever the basement is in self-diagnostic mode, the universal remote won't let me change the channels on my TV. That means I actually have to get up off the couch and change the channels by hand. The software and utility people say this flaw  will be fixed in the upgrade -- SmartHouse 9.3, but it's not ready yet.

December 12: This is a nightmare. There's a virus in the house. My personal computer caught if while browsing on the public access network. I come home and the livingroom is a sauna, the bedroom windows are covered with ice, the refrigerator has defrosted, the washing machine has flooded the basement, the garage door is cycling up and down and TV is stuck on the Home Shopping channel. Throughout the house, lights flicker like stroboscopes until they explode from the strain. Broken glass is everywhere. Of course, the security sensors detect nothing. I look at message slowly throbbing on my PC screen: "welcome to HomeWrecker . . . Now the fun begins ... be it ever so humble, there's no virus like HomeWrecker ... I get out of the house, fast.

December 18: They think I've digitally disinfected the house but the place is a   shambles.  Pipes have burst and we're not completely sure we've got the part of the virus that  attacks toilets. Nevertheless, the Exorcists (as the anti-virus SWAT team members like to call themselves) are confident that the worst is over. HomeWrecker is pretty bad, one tells me, but consider yourself lucky you didn't get Poltergeist. That one is really evil.

December 19: Apparently, our house is not insured for viruses, Fires and mudslides,   yes, says the claims adjuster, viruses, no. My agreement, the SmartHouse people explain that all claims and warranties are null and void if any appliance or computer in my house networks in any way, shape or form with noncertified on-line service. Everybody's' very, very sorry but they can't be expected to anticipate every virus that may be created. We call our lawyer. He laughs. He's excited.

December 21: I get a call from the SmartHouse sales rep. As a special holiday offer, we get the free opportunity to become a beta site for the company's new SmartHouse 9.3 upgrade. He says I'll be able to meet the programmers personally. "Sure, I tell him . .