Jokes from the archive #3

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As of March 98

Other jokes from the archive.

(Did we mention these are real ones? No kidding, we really mean it. We know of a guy who knows the guy who knows the actual guy who... yeah, right)


  1. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
  2. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
  3. Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
  4. What's another word for synonym?
  5. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
  6. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
  7. When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
  8. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
  9. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
  10. Why do they report power outages on TV?
  11. What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
  12. Is it possible to be totally partial?
  13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
  14. Would a fly that loses its wings be called a walk?
  15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
  16. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?
  17. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
  18. If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
  19. If a turtle loses his shell, is it naked or homeless?
  20. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
  21. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
  22. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
  23. Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
  24. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?


An engineering student was walking on campus one day when another engineering student rode up on a shiny new bicycle.

"Where did you get such a nice bike?" asked the first.

The second engineer replied "Well, yesterday I was walking along minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said 'Take what you want!'"

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit.


Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device called BOOK. The BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on.

It's so easy to use, even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover!Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere - even sitting in an armchair by the fire - yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc. Here's how it works. Each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs in half. Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in information density; for now BOOKs with more information simply use more pages. This makes them thicker and harder to carry, and has drawn some criticism from the mobile computing crowd.

Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. The BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. The BOOK never crashes and never needs rebooting, though like other display devices it can become unusable if dropped overboard. The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.

An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session - even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers.  Conversely, numerous BOOKmarkers can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous views at once. The number is limited only by the number of pages in the BOOK.  You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with an optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS).

Portable, durable, and affordable, the BOOK is being hailed as the entertainment wave of the future. The BOOK's appeal seems so certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the platform. Look for a flood of new titles soon.

It that so . . .

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The Top 15 Biblical Ways to Acquire a Wife

  1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours.
    -- Deuteronomy (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
  2. Find a prostitute and marry her.
    -- Hosea (Hosea 1:1-3)
  3. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.
    -- Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)
  4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.
    -- Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
  5. *** Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. ***
    -- Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)
  6. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib.
    -- Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)
  7. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman.
    -- Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)
  8. Cut off 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife.
    -- David (I Samuel 18:27)
  9. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative of course.)
    -- Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)
  10. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest.
    -- Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)
  11. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ...woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me."
    -- Samson (Judges 14:1-3)
  12. Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though).
    -- David (2 Samuel 11)
  13. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea, it's the law).
    -- Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
  14. Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity.
    -- Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)
  15. A wife?...NOT!!!
    -- Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)


For Immediate Release: Veteran Pillsbury Spokesmodel Pop-N-Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Fresh was buried in one of the largest ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, The California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies. The Gravesite was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima gave the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much time on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and one in the oven.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.


Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed,
A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed,
But then one day he was talking to a recruiter,
Who said, "they pay big bucks if ya work on a computer..."
(Windows, that is... PC's... Workstations...)

Well, the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer.
The kinfolk said "Jed, move away from here."
They said "California is the place ya oughta be,"
So he bought some donuts and moved to Silicon Valley...
(Intel, that is... Pentium ... big amusement park...)

On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube.
Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube.
They said "your project's late, but we know just what to do.
Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you 52!"
(OT, that is... unpaid... mandatory...)

The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad.
Schedules started slipping and some managers were mad.
They called another meeting and decided on a fix.
The answer was simple... "We'll work him sixty-six!"
(Tired, that is... stressed out... no social life...)

Months turned to years and his hair was turning grey.
Jed worked very hard while his life slipped away.
Waiting to retire when he turned 64,
Instead he got a call and escorted out the door.
(Laid off, that is... de-briefed... unemployed...)

Now the moral of the story is listen to what you're told,
Companies will use you and discard you when you're old.
So gather up your friends and start up your own firm,
Beat the competition, and watch the bosses squirm.
(Millionaires, that is... Bill Gates... Steve Jobs...)

Y'all come back now... ya hear'.



Here's a handy guide for those of you who have to deal with vendors, customers, or other divisions on the left coast.

East Coast West Coast
absolutely not maybe
yes maybe
action item by Feb 12 for Joe Joe's working on the problem
bozo subcontractor
brawl design review
dictator facilitator
do it and do it now can you sign up for this program?
do it right or you're fired I'm confident you'll get it done
fuck off trust me
follow the spec is there a spec?
get out of my office let's get consensus on this one
he's a jerk he's not signed on to our plan
he's a subordinate he's a team player
I'll cover your ass consider me your resource
ignore him, he's new I'm bringing him up to speed
local bar offsite facility
meet me in the parking lot let's take that discussion offline
oh shit thanks for bringing that to my attention
over designed robust
punch his lights out constructive confrontation
shut the fuck up thank you for your input
shut up a minute let me share this with you
that's totally incompetent let me build on that point
unemployed consulting
over budget on schedule
under budget we haven't started yet
we finished early (no translation available)
we're done how do you feel about that?
what's your problem? I certainly understand your feelings
where's the spec? what's a spec?
where's the schedule? what's the game plan?
your plan sucks let me share my feelings on this plan


This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "NERDS NOT ALLOWED -- ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he said.

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."


The opening credits of The Simpsons shows Bart Simpson writing the same sentence over and over again on a chalkboard, the old "write it 100 times" punishment, which establishes him as a troublemaker. Each episode is different. Someone (not me, thank you) apparently went to the trouble of taping all the Simpsons, watching them all and writing down what Bart is writing on the board. These are the collected writings of Bart Simpson from the opening credits. Even if you're not a fan, you'll like these:

Other jokes from the archive.