Jokes, archive 2
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Well, there were so many that I had to move some here. You can start at
Joke Page 1.
THE GOLFING PREACHER
There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he
could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession.
One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds
in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary
as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an
assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car
up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize
him.happily, he began to play the course.
An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went
to the Lord and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he
is doing." The Lord nodded in agreement.
The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed
effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty
yards (meters) away. A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and
excited.
The angel was a little shocked. He turned to The Lord and said, "Begging Your
pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."
The Lord smiled. "Think about it -- who can he tell?"
You know you are from the Bay Area when...
- You make $100,000 a year, yet still can't find a place to live.
- Your commute time is 45 minutes and you live 8 miles away from work.
- Stop asking how much things cost but, ask "How long will it take?"
- Two-thirds of the people you know are from Boston or New York, but you are
living in PST.
- Know vast differences difference between Thai, Vietnamese, Chinese,
Japanese, Cantonese, and Korean food.
- Your home computer contains mostly hardware/software that is not on the
consumer market yet.
- Go to "The City" on weekends but don't live there because you like your
car.
- Think that "I'm going to Fry's" is an acceptable excuse to leave the
office for a while, and your boss does too.
- Lost your alarm clock. You'll get to work when you get there.
- Go to an industrial-heavy-metal bar and see two guys get into a fight over
what flavor of Unix is better.
- Own more than 10 articles of clothing that have hardware/software
companies printed on them. Bonus for embroidered stuff.
- You know where Woz Way, Resistor Ave, and Floppy Dr are located.
- You know where Woz is.
- You know 280North runs west, and 680N runs East.
- You see a billboard that says "FGPA2ASIC" and aren't fazed
- When you need the updated Diamond Monster 3D drivers, you just walk across
the street.
- You have more bandwidth in your apartment or condo than most major
universities.
- Your workplace vending machines dispense "100% natural twig-bars" right
next to Jolt cola and Instant Espresso mix.
Engineer Island
A rather inhibited engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the
Caribbean. It was the "craziest" thing he had ever done in his life. Just as he
was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the huge ship, capsizing
it like a child's toy. Somehow the engineer, desperately hanging on to a life
preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island. Outside of beautiful
scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else. He lost
all hope and for hours on end, sat under the same palm tree. One day, after
several months had passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared. "I'm
from the other side of the island," she said. "Were you on the cruise ship,
too?"
"Yes, I was, " he answered. "But where did you get that rowboat?"
"Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunnel
from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, what did you use for tools?" asked the man.
"There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side
of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my
kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. Anyhow, that's how I got the tools.
But, enough of that," she said. "Where have you been living all this time? I
don't see any shelter."
"To be honest, I've just been sleeping on the beach," he said.
"Would you like to come to my place?" the woman asked. The engineer nodded
dumbly.
She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island, and tied up the
boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with a neat back splice.
They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid and around a palm tree. There
stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. "It's not much, but I
call it home." Inside, she said, "Sit down please. Would you like to have a
drink?"
"No, thanks," said the man. "One more coconut juice and I'll throw up!"
"It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a crude still out
back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas."
Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down
on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked, "Tell
me, have you always had a beard?"
"No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life until I ended up on
this island."
"Well if you'd like to shave, there's a razor upstairs in the bathroom
cabinet."
The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and
shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp. Next he
showered -- not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get
warm water into the bathroom -- and went back downstairs. He couldn't help but
admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked.
"You look great," said the woman. "I think I'll go up and slip into something
more comfortable."
As she did, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the
woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown
fashioned out of pounded palm fronds.
"Tell me," she asked, "we've both been out here for a very long time with no
companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely ... is there anything
that you really, really miss? Something that all men and women need? Something
that would be really nice to have right now!"
"Yes there is!" the man replied, shucking off his shyness. "There is
something I've wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, it was
just ... well, it was impossible."
"Well, it's not impossible, any more," the woman said.
The man, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly: "You have an
internet connection here?"
ACTUAL BUMPER STICKERS (so they say...):
- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
- Happiness is a belt-fed weapon
- Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep
- I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...Not screaming and yelling
like the passengers in his car...
- Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!
- When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
- Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
- If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
- It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
- Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
- Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
- We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
- He/She who laughs last thinks slowest
- Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
- Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
- Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
- We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
- Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
- Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'...till you can find a rock.
- 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
- I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic
particles.
REJECTED DR. SEUSS BOOKS:
- The Cat in the Blender
- Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbet
- Fox in Detox
- Who Shat in the Hat?
- The Flesh-Eating Lorax
- How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
- Your Colon Can Moo---Can You?
- Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
- One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
- My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket
- Aunts in My Pants
- Horton Fakes an Orgasm
A random shot at Microsoft
One of Microsoft's finest techs was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the
rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle and bullets. He fired
several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all
attempts had completely missed the target. The tech looked at his rifle, and
then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again.
He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with
his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward
the target area: "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your
end!"
Barney is Satan
Given: Barney is a cute purple dinosaur
Prove: Barney is Satan
1) Start with the given:
CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR
2) Change all U's to V's (which is the proper Latin anyway):
CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR
3) Extract all Roman Numerals:
C V V L D I V
4) Convert into Arabic values:
100 5 5 50 500 1 5
5) Add all the numbers:
666
Thus, Barney is Satan.
In the 4/11/97 Merc. News
David Letterman brings us the following signs you're in a bad cult:
8. Name of the cult: the "Larry Krishnas"
7. Meetings always end with,
"Now let's go out and sell some Amway Products!"
6. Cult Web site is called
"www.nutcase.com."
5. Entire membership consists of three 12-year-olds and a
schnauzer.
4. You hear the words "next level" and "castration" in the same
sentence.
3. They think an alien spaceship is hiding behind Chris
Farley
2. Instead of guns, your cult is stockpiling bacon
1. On death
shroud, you can clearly read words "Holiday Inn"
A selection of quotes from "I miss Dan Quayle".
- "I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was
that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those
people."
-- J. Danforth Quayle
- "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
-- J. Danforth
Quayle
- "Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and
child."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
- "Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
--
Vice President Dan Quayle
- "Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same
distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where
there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there
is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
-- Vice President Dan
Quayle, 8/11/89
- "What a waste it is to lose one's mind.Or not to have a mind is being very
wasteful.How true that is."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
- "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in
this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in
this century."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/15/88
- "I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and
democracy - but that could change."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89
- "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and
that one word is 'to be prepared'."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 12/6/89
- "May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world."
-- The
Quayles' 1989 Christmas card.
[Not a beacon of literacy, though.]
- "Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
-- Vice President
Dan Quayle, 11/30/88
- "We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward."
-- Vice
President Dan Quayle
- "I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good judgements in
the Future."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
- "The future will be better tomorrow."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
- "We're going to have the best-educated American people in the
world."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/21/88
- "People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and
have a tremendous impact on history."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
- "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
-- Vice President
Dan Quayle to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/89
- "We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a
firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe."
-- Vice President
Dan Quayle
- "Public speaking is very easy."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle to
reporters in 10/88
- "I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican."
-- Vice President
Dan Quayle
- "I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-- Vice
President Dan Quayle
- "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the
polls."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
- "When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and
the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for
the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The
killers are to blame."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
- "Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having
it."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/20/92
(reported in Esquire, 8/92)
- "Murphy Brown is doing better than I am.At least she knows she still has a
job next year."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/18/92
- "We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
--
Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/22/90
- "For NASA, space is still a high priority."
-- Vice President Dan
Quayle, 9/5/90
- "Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our
children."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/18/90
- "The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan
Quayle may or may not make."
--Vice President Dan Quayle
- "We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the
mistakes we may or may not have made."
--Vice President Dan Quayle
- "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment.It's the impurities in
our air and water that are doing it."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
- "[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
-- Vice
President Dan Quayle