Jokes that have given me a laugh
Thanks to those of you who read the flood of web based humor and then only send on the choicest morsels. I, in turn, have selected just those few (still seems like a lot) that have the highest yuck density. Read and enjoy; the most recent addition is up first. The archive link above takes you to previous versions of this page. Be sure to read the disclaimer!
The Top 15 Greatest Stoner Inventions
and the Number 1 Greatest Stoner Invention...
1. "Chips Ahoy. Chipsahoy. No, wait. Chip Sahoy. Hee hee. Chipsahoy!
This joke came from www.topfive.com This is a very funny site. I subscribe, maybe you should too.
In what has been described as Poland's worst air disaster, today, a two seater Cessna 152 crashed into a Polish Cemetery. So far Polish Search and Rescue workers have recovered 847 bodies, but many more are expected as digging continues into the night...........
A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau has an apartment overlooking the Western Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old bearded Jewish man praying vigorously. Certain he would be a good interview subject, the journalist goes down to the Wall, and introduces herself to the old man.
She asks, "You come every day to the Wall. Sir, how long have you done that and what are you praying for?"
The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and for the brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup of tea, and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth. And very, very important, I pray for peace and understanding between the Israelis and Palestinians."
The journalist is impressed. "How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these wonderful things?" she asks.
The old man replies, calmly, "Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."
Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began? (Groan)
Back in the olden days, a man was traveling through Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching, and the man had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that it would be all right, and that he could sleep in the barn. The man went into the barn to bed down, and the farmer went back into the house.
Well as the story goes, the farmer's daughter came down from upstairs and asked her father, "Who was that man going into the barn?" "That's some fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "He needed a place to stay for the night, so I said that he could sleep in the barn.
The daughter then asked, "Did you offer the man anything to eat"? "Gee, no, I didn't," the farmer answered. The daughter said, Well, I'm going to take him some food." She went into the kitchen, prepared a plate of food, and then took it out to the barn. The daughter was in the barn for an hour before returning to the house. When she came back in, her clothes were all disheveled and buttoned up wrong, and she had several strands of straw tangled up in her long blond hair. She immediately went up the stairs to her bedroom and went to sleep.
A little later, the farmer's wife came down and asked her husband why their daughter went to bed so early. "I don't know," said the farmer. "I told a man that he could sleep in the barn, and our daughter took him some food."
"Oh," replied the wife. "Well, did you offer the man anything to drink?" "Umm, no, I didn't," said the farmer.
The wife then said, "I'm going to take something out there for him to drink." The wife went to the cellar, got a bottle of wine, then went out to the barn. She did not return for over an hour, and when she came back into the house, her clothes were also messed up, and she had straw twisted into her blond hair. She went straight up the stairs and into bed.
The next morning at sunrise, the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left the farm. A few hours later, the daughter woke up and came rushing downstairs. She went right out to the barn, only to find it empty. She ran back into the house. "Where's the man from the barn?" she eagerly asked her father.
Her father answered, "He left several minutes ago."
"What?" she cried. "He left without saying goodbye? After all we had together? I mean, last night he made such passionate love to me."
"What?" shouted the father. He ran out into the front yard looking the man, but by now the man was halfway up the side of the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm gonna get you! You had sex with my daughter!"
The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hands next to his mouth, and yelled out, ILAIDTHEOLADEETOO!"
And that's how yodeling began.
A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that . . . that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
Subject: Investment Announcement:Pfizer Corp. (NYSE- PFE) made the announcement today that VIAGRA (Mykoxaphalentooldphyew) will soon be available in liquid form under the trade name of Mydixaflop. Mydixaflop will be marketed by Pepsi Cola (Pepsi Bottling Group NYSE- PBG) as a power beverage suitable for use as-is, or as a mixer under the name, "Mount And Do" Pepsi's proposed ad campaign suggests: "It will now be possible for a man literally to pour himself a stiff one"
The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following were some of this year's winning entries:
"Somebody said, 'What good will it do to kill Osama bin Laden?' I said, 'I don't know, let's find out.'" -Don Imus
"CBS News finally received anthrax in the mail. As usual, we're number three." -David Letterman
"The FBI is urging all Americans to beware of any letters or packages that have badly misspelled words. Man, this is going to be terrible news for the rap industry." -Jay Leno
"People are wondering what will happen to Afghanistan when we're finished fighting there. I'm sure there are plans to rebuild the country, and a lot of times with rebuilding comes a name change. These are some possible name changes the government has been mulling over: Halfghanistan,Pothole-istan, Jenniferanistan, Assbackwardstand, Bye-bye-Talibanistan, Ass-Kickedistan." -Jay Leno
"Do you remember the good ol' days when Congress was only unsafe if you were an intern." -David Letterman
"Things have really changed here in Hollywood. Used to be people in this town couldn't wait to get an envelope full of white powder." -Jay Leno
"More and more news coming out about this Osama bin Laden guy. He's 6'5" and has 42 children. Or, as the NBA calls him, a rookie." -Jay Leno
"The Mirror interviewed one of Osama bin Laden's sons and said bin Laden Has 42 children. That's going to happen when you sleep in a different cave every night." -Jay Leno
"Security here in New York City is still very tight. Hookers in Time Square now are demanding two forms of fake ID." -David Letterman
"President Bush has urged people to get back to normal and today Congress announced that they are accepting bribes again." -Jay Leno
"Clinton and Dole are joining forces to raise $100 million in scholarship money for the families of the victims. But you know who also deserves a pat on the back, Elizabeth Dole. Her husband is on Viagra and he's gone on the road with Bill Clinton - that is one trusting woman." -Jay Leno
"This Osama bin Laden guy, spoiled rich kid worth $300M. I have three words for this guy: Anna Nicole Smith. We send her over there, she'll get his money, he'll be dead in a week." -Jay Leno
A teacher gave her fifth-grade class an assignment: have their parents tell them a story with a moral. The next day the kids came to class, and one by one, told their stories.
Kathy raised her hand first and said, "We live on a farm and we have hens that lay eggs for market. Once we were taking a basket of eggs to market on the front seat of the pick-up and we hit a big bump in the road. The eggs went flying and broke all over everything."
"And what is the moral to that story?"
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket."
"Very good!" said the teacher.
Then little Lucy raised her hand and said, "We live on a farm, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs once but when they hatched, we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to that story is, don't count your chickens before they are hatched."
That was a fine example, Lucy. Johnny, I believe you had your hand up next."
"Yes Ma'am. My Daddy told me my Aunt Debra was a pilot in Viet Nam and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete before the blade broke off. Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens!" said the horrified teacher. "What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to that terrible story?"
"Stay the hell away from Aunt Debra when she's been drinking."
The Met is scheduled to produce an opera on Bill Clinton next year. We have obtained an advance copy of the draft libretto and are making the following synopsis available to opera lovers around the globe:
La Bubba Vita. Composed by Giuliani Veritas (in Italian).
The Situation: Bill Clinton has been elected President of the United States by an overwhelming margin. The Republicans are devastated, angry, and are trying to find their way back to power. As the curtain rises on the opera, the House Republicans are meeting with Ken Starr with the object of trying to find a way to remove Bill Clinton from the Presidency.
The opening chorale "We Must Find a Way" (Creato grandissimo floozi scandala) is sung as a sextet. In an impressive recitative, Tom DeLay sings"Where Will We Find a Helper?" (Dredgi uppulia una Granda Bimba).
The House Republicans exit.
Paula Jones enters stage right with a mirror, singing her plaintive "Why Can't I find a Man?" (Mia schnozola es humongo.) Tom Delay and Newt Gingrich enter from the other wing. They spot Paula and sing the duet "Why Not Her?" (La flooza perfecta). They meet and take Paula to a small cafe where they hatch their plot in hushed tones. Paula tells them of her meeting in a hotel with Clinton years earlier and how her fortunes have collapsed since then. Delay and Gingrich offer to help. They sing the aria, "Your Luck has Changed" (Nozjobbo e' rewardo).
The House Republicans reconvene with the news of Paula's revelations. They sing in jubilation "We must Tell the World" (Fono tabloido). The rear curtain raises to reveal the Chorus of Media who sing the chorale "Tell Us More, But Only the Truth" (Sexio scandala hypo sweepi). Gingrich enters with Pat Robertson. They sing the duet "He Must Go" (Hypocriti pious crappola). Robertson offers to make time on his television program to expose the charges. At the House Republican suggestion, Paula initiates a lawsuit.
The Paula Jones scandal becomes the topic of conversation throughout the country. The Chorus of Lawyers enters from the right to sing the jubilant grand chorale "We Must do Our Duty" (Multi, multi grande moola).
Ken Starr meets with the House Republicans to plan the next steps. They sing the aria "We Will Save the Country" (Sleezi connivo, la media soccittuppo).
Starr promises to convene a grand jury which will send charges to the Congress. He sings "The Truth Will be Known" (Whitewater non starto, il probo la flooza epidemio). The Chorus of Lawyers sings a reprise of "We Must Do Our Duty" as the act ends.
Linda Tripp enters the stage arm in arm with Ken Starr. She is wearing a headset. She is singing "Monica is My Dearest Friend" (Io sono la wiccida witchi occidenta). She tells Starr about the secret tapes that she has madeof conversations with Monica Lewinsky. Starr takes them from her andsings "We've Got Him Now" (Presidente droppo pantaloni).
Starr hurries off to the Grand Jury to call Monica as a witness.
In Scene 2 Monica enters the grand jury room where the Chorus of Lawyers asks her questions. They sing the recitative "How Did It Happen?" (Panti hongo, la flashi). Monica sings the long passionate aria "We Were Meant for Each Other"(Nonsmoko El Pruducto, Phalli symboglio).
In the third scene, Hilary and Bill are sitting in the Lincoln Bedroom talking about the revelations about Monica. Hillary sings "I Will Stand By You" (Tu jercho estupido, io removo tu equippamento) Bill replies with "She Was the Only One" (Non conto Gennifer, Paula, piu multi bimba forgetta). They embrace.
Sam Donaldson is interviewing Henry Hyde in the Capitol Building. The chorus of Lawyers hums in the background. Hyde sings the aria "We Believe in Something" (Impeaccho hippi bastardo). Donaldson sings a recitative in answer, "We Only Want the Truth" (Toupee eslippo).
The great trial begins in the Senate. Trent Lott reacts to public opinion polls showing that the President has a 76% approval rating with the public with the poignant aria, "What is Right Not Popular" (Partia Repubblico Commitini Suicido). The Chorus of Lawyers sings the chorale "Principles Come First" (Mi adultero non conto). With great flourish, Henry Hyde, Bill McCullom and Tom Delay stand before the Senate to present their case. They sing the somber trio "How Can you Not Convict?" (Evidenso multi flimsioso).
Finally in a moving chorale, the Chorus of Lawyers sings "For the Good of the Nation, We Must Acquit" (Senatorios non stupido.) After the vote is announced, Henry Hyde, Tom Delay, Trent Lott and Bill McCollum leave the Senate Chamber singing the grand quartet "We Still Know the Truth" (Wasto multi millioni) as the act ends.
The President sings the contrite aria "I am Very Sorry" (Revengo futuro furioso) as the Chorus of Media circles him, shouting their questions. They sing "Who will now Believe us?" (Publicca desgustanta es in media).
Monica Lewinsky crosses the stage with her new literary agent, Ken Starr. They sing "It is Still Not Over" (Publishigrande bucchi, dollare millioni), as the curtain falls.
More jokes from the archive