Jokes 8

Archived on 6 February 2002

Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies
In the memo field of all your checks write "for sensual massage."
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others
Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss
Finish all your sentences with the words, "in accordance with prophesy"
Staple papers on the bottom left
TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE
type only in lowercase
dont use any punctuation either
Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets
When making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet
Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down

"Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games"
"Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Only Your Household Pets"
"The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad"
"Babar Meets the Taxidermist"
"Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"
"The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"
"The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"
"The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead"
"How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School"
"Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear"
"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
"Some Kittens Can Fly!"
"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"
"Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer--Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"
"All Dogs Go to Hell"
"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"

"Specifications are for the weak and timid!"
"This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual Pentium processors if I am to do battle with this code!"
"What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software releases'. Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in it's wake."
"Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments'- and they ALWAYS WIN THEM."
"Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak."
"I have challenged the entire quality assurance team to a Bat-Leth contest. They will not concern us again."
"By filing this bug report you have challenged the honor of my family. Prepare to die!"
"You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!"
"Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!"

Just tryin' to impress the chicks.
NATO strategists were loathe to open maps of the area because refolding them can be difficult and annoying.
"Kosovo?! We though you said KOKOMO!"
Bombardier still pissed off about his Yugo.
Chinese embassy "just too shiny to ignore."
Pilot's ugly little secret: never COULD hit those womprats back home in Beggar's Canyon.
Totally hammered after losing a game of "quarters" to Boris Yeltsin.
Canadian navigator busy extolling virtues of Celine Dion.
Pilot playing Kosovo bingo needed B5, not G2.
Forgot to adjust for weight of Slim Pickens.
Male pilots refused to stop and ask for directions.
General Magoo has no comment.

and Topfive.com's Number 1 NATO Excuse for Bombing the Wrong Place...

NATO headquarters dinner order for "take out Chinese" was grossly misunderstood.