Other jokes from the archive
Archived on 6 February 2002
How to Piss Off Other People
- Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra
dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies
- In the memo field of all your checks write "for
- Specify that your drive-through order is "to
- If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally
with your pen while talking to others
- Highlight irrelevant information in scientific
papers and "cc" them to your boss
- Finish all your sentences with the words, "in
accordance with prophesy"
- Staple papers on the bottom left
- TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE
- type only in lowercase
- dont use any punctuation either
- Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and
reroute whole streets
- When making presentations, occasionally bob your
head like a parakeet
- Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at
passing cars to see if they slow down
Children's books you will never see
- "Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great
- "Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Only Your
- "The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice
- "Babar Meets the Taxidermist"
- "Curious George and the High-Voltage
- "The Boy Who Died from Eating All His
- "The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"
- "The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot
- "How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your
- "Controlling the Playground: Respect through
- "The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
- "Some Kittens Can Fly!"
- "Where Would You Like to Be
- "Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving
- "The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book
of Wild Animals of North Amer--Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"
- "All Dogs Go to Hell"
- "Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"
Top 12 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon Programmer on your
- "Specifications are for the weak and
- "This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual
Pentium processors if I am to do battle with this code!"
- "What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not
make software releases'. Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of
designers and quality assurance people in it's wake."
- "Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' -
they have 'arguments'- and they ALWAYS WIN THEM."
- "Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software
does not coddle the weak."
- "I have challenged the entire quality assurance
team to a Bat-Leth contest. They will not concern us again."
- "By filing this bug report you have challenged the
honor of my family. Prepare to die!"
- "You question the worthiness of my code? I should
kill you where you stand!"
- "Our users will know fear and cower before our
software! Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they
The Top 13 NATO Excuses for Bombing the Wrong Place
- Just tryin' to impress the chicks.
- NATO strategists were loathe to open maps of the
area because refolding them can be difficult and annoying.
- "Kosovo?! We though you said KOKOMO!"
- Bombardier still pissed off about his Yugo.
- Chinese embassy "just too shiny to ignore."
- Pilot's ugly little secret: never COULD hit those
womprats back home in Beggar's Canyon.
- Totally hammered after losing a game of "quarters"
to Boris Yeltsin.
- Canadian navigator busy extolling virtues of
- Pilot playing Kosovo bingo needed B5, not
- Forgot to adjust for weight of Slim
- Male pilots refused to stop and ask for
- General Magoo has no comment.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 NATO Excuse for Bombing
the Wrong Place...
- NATO headquarters dinner order for "take out
Chinese" was grossly misunderstood.