Other jokes from the archive
Archived on July 11, 1999
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
. . . and it ain't Espranto
PERFECT COMMUNICATION THROUGH TECHNOLOGY, SERVICE, AND EDUCATION
The European Commission on the European Unification (EU) just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phase-in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish."
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c." Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k." This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have less letters. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f." This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"'s in the language is disgrasful, and they should go away. By the 4th year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v." During ze fif year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinazuns of leters. After ze fifz yer, ve vil hav a veri sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu unerstan ech ozer.
It has been confirmed that Samuel L Jackson (of Pulp Fiction fame) is playing a Jedi Master in the new Star Wars prequels. The TOP 14 things we want to hear Samuel L. Jackson's character 'Jedi Master Mace Windu' say in the Star Wars prequels;
- You can stick your well-laid Death Star plans up your well-laid ass.
- You must go to Dagobah, where you will be taught by Yoda, the sly, sweet motherfucker who taught me this shit.
- That's no moon, asshole - that's a fucking space station!
- I don't care how good you say they are. I ain't fightin' alongside no fuck-ass teddy bears.
- You don't need to see my goddamn identification, 'cause these ain't the motherfuckin' droids you're looking for.
- Womp rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'll never know, 'cause even if it did I wouldn't eat the filthy motherfucker.
- This is your father's lightsaber. When you absolutely, positively, have to kill every motherfuckin' stormtrooper in the room ... accept no substitutes.
- If Obi-wan ain't home then I don't know what the fuck we're gonna do. I ain't got no other connections on Tattooine.
- Feel the Force, motherfucker.
- "What!?" ain't no planet I've ever heard of! Do they speak Bocce on What?
- You sendin' the Fett? Shit, Hutt, that's all you had to say!
- Yeah Chewie Rocky Horror's got a hair problem. What the brother gonna do? He's a wookie.
- Does Jabba the Hutt look like a bitch?
- And the number one . . .
Hand me my lightsaber ... it's the one that says, 'Bad Mother Fucker.'
"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
"This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
"Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!"
"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
"I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
"I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
"Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
"The coffee machine is broken..."
"Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...
" ... in Jesus' name. Amen."
The names have been changed to protect . . .
I just unpacked a media upgrade kit. the packing slip says it's for system 78596GPRM5682/M7, but we don't have any system with that name. I think that's a generic support name for all M7 systems at our company, GPRM.
There are 10 items in the shipment content, which means there are two pages to the packing list. The first item on the list is for:
01 00 XXXXX Kit-DDS Unix M7 5.0
It's in the box [2nd line says so]. Interestingly enough, the box itself appears to have a number and a weight. As a matter of fact, that 2nd line [which is telling me that the previous item is in the box which is number 24902 and weighs 18.00 LB] is repeated after EVERY item line. I guess you don't want me to forget that the above item is "in box: 24902 18.00"
Let us examine that line for a moment. First of all, while the part number is probably very important to you, it doesn't mean anything to me. The fact that it's item 01 doesn't really catch my attention either, or that it's SI is 00 - not quite sure what that even means. If SI stands for SIZE zero zero seems like you say it has no size at all.
Ok now we get to the part that might conceivably have some interest for me. "Kit-DDS"
Nope, doesn't do a thing for me. What the hell is a DDS? Last I'd heard it stood for Doctor of Dentistry. Ok, then this must be a Kit to make me a dentist?
I knew it was for Unix, and I kinda know what a M7 stands for, but that's because I have had some experience with M7 systems. If I knew that Unix was on version 4.x I could probably make a reasonable guess that the 5.0 stood for Version 5.0 of the Unix operating system. But, on the other hand, it wouldn't have taken much more ink to have just written "This is a kit to make you into a dentist while using the Unix Version 5.0 operating system." Or something like that.
The next items are:
02 00 Z4987-CUS-7275 KIT_DDS RunTime M7 5.0 03 00 Z4987+6834 Kit-Mnls Gen. Usage Doc M7 5.0 04 00 d2121RQ+6837 Kit-DDS Upgrade Prep Media 05 00 d2121RQ+6838 Kit-Doc Eng WW M7 5.0 06 00 d2121RQ+6839 Kit-Mnl Eng WW M7 5.0 07 00 d2121RQ+6973 Kit-Mnl Eng WW M7 5.0 08 00 d2121RQ+6974 Kit-Mnl Eng WW M7 5.0 09 00 9807-9012 Brochure-English M7/M8 10 00 4563-1306 Ltr-upgrade Asst. Customers And they are all: "in box 24902 18.00"
Now, inside of the box there were strangely enough, 10 separately wrapped packages. For example there was a box for d2121RQ+6839. Inside of that box were two books, Media Users Guide and Local System Configuration Overview. I know this because there was a piece of paper inside of that box that tell me that.
However, I'd like to point out that you missed something! The piece of paper should have pointed out that IT was inside of this package too. And it should have also pointed out that the two manuals were "In box d2121RQ+6839 wt 1.0 lb." which was itself "In box 24902 18.00" just to be consistent - you know?
There was a package d2121RQ+6838. It too contained two manuals Again, it contained a piece of paper telling me what was in the box. And I have the same complaint in that it wasn't consistent either.
I guess the one that really seems the most egregious was the tough plastic envelope labeled d2121RQ+6973. You have to use a knife or scissors to cut open the envelope - although there IS a tear strip at the top - but they never seem to work quite right.
Inside of the envelope are TWO pieces of paper. One telling you what the other one is, and the other.... strangely enough is just what the first said it was: a Kermit mailer card.
I mean, good grief, couldn't you just have put the stupid mailer card in the bottom of the original box? Did you really HAVE to wrap it individually AND put in a packing list?
All in all there were ten individually wrapped packages "In box" all of which had individual packing slips. This amounts to eleven separate pieces of paper. Oh, yeah and one yellow Notice telling me that I MUST use the upgrade tools and read the Interoperability guide. Some how, you missed including that Notice on any of the packing slips.
By the way, what was the perfectly blank piece of paper for?
Oh yes, finally a "Dear Valued Customer" letter. which interestingly enough is part number W324598-80008, and IS on a packing list, so I guess if I wanted a couple of gross of them, I could order them?
In three of the packages there were padded envelopes. Two of them contained one tape each. The third contained two tapes. Again, you were inconsistent, as the protective envelopes were NOT mentioned on the packing list. And strangely enough, there WAS NO PACKING SLIP inside of the padded envelope telling me that it contained either one or two tapes.
All of this wrapping - and subsequent unwrapping and packaging material and plastic envelopes and a piece of scrunched up filler/packing material [which wasn't mentioned on any of the packing lists either!] for something that STILL DOESN'T TELL US WHAT SYSTEM IT WAS FOR!!!! All you had to do was mention the SYSTEM'S SERIAL NUMBER. AND THEN, WE WOULD KNOW.
Perhaps it doesn't matter what system it was for? If that's the case, why did you send us eight identical packages? Wouldn't one have been enough? After all, if it's not node locked we can install it on 8 different system. Even if the software IS node locked, a single set of manuals and tapes, with a LIST of serial numbers would save you a lot of shipping expenses, and me a lot of unpacking. You could still handle the node locking the same way.
By the way, does WW stand for World War? And are we up to M7 already?
Thanks, from the field.
A less than happy person
The Washington Post's "Style Invitational" asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
I know this guy whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. So anyway, one day he went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over. When he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN and he saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!" But he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled "Join the crew!" He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to save us from Armageddon when the year 2000 rolls around. His program will prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $600 Nieman Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true-I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disneyworld vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.)
The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS." Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital-the one, actually, where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to twenty people you will have good luck but ten people you will only have ok luck and if you send it to less than ten people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS).
So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving along without his lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation.
And it's a little-known fact that the Y1K problem caused the Dark Ages.
In an ancient monastery, a new monk arrived to dedicate his life and to join the others copying ancient records. The first thing he noticed was that they were copying by hand, books that had already been copied by hand. He had to speak up. "Forgive me, Father Justinian, but copying other copies by hand allows many chances for error. How do we know we aren't copying someone else's mistakes? Are they ever checked against the originals?"
Father Justinian was startled! No one had ever suggested that before. "Well, that is a good point, my son. I will take one of these latest books down to the vault and study it against its original document."
He went deep into the vault where no one else was allowed to enter, and started to study. The day passed, and it was getting late in the evening. The monks were getting worried about Father Justinian. Finally one monk started making his way through the old vault, and as he began to think he might get lost, he heard sobbing.
"Father Justinian?" He called.
The sobbing was louder as he came near. He finally found the old priest sitting at a table with both the new copy and the original ancient book in front of him. It was obvious that Father Justinian had been crying for a long time.
"Oh, my Lord," sobbed Father Justinian, "the word is 'celebrate'".
I have a little problem, so I call you on the phone.
I'm given numbered options - to punch them each by tone.
After hitting number 7, then 2, 8, 6 and pound
A short recording tells me no operators can be found.
They're busy helping others, and would I hold this once?
Because my call is SO important. What am I ? A dunce?
My call's not so important that I'll spend an hour on hold,
While my shoulder aches, my patience bakes, and my coffee grows green mold.
Nothing your recording says can cause me to believe
That my call will be taken in the order it was received.
So down I put the telephone and up I pick the modem,
To find solutions on your site, and once found, download 'em.
I calmly wait while DNS looks up your URL.
I wait until your server answers your home page front doorbell.
I wait for frames to paint themselves for my solution to begin.
And then I wait for plug-ins so I can see your logo spin.
I wait to get an audio file - greetings from your CEO!
He doesn't get the internet but he LOVES the radio.
I wait until a picture of your building is on my screen.
And I realize there are things that should not be heard nor seen.
Finally, there's a menu and I poise my mouse to click
But first, a Java applet! "Starting Java." You KNOW this won't be quick .
The menu choices indicate you know yourselves full well.
You know all about your company and that's what you want to tell.
But where's the button I can push, that takes me to the page
That solves my problem? Feels my pain? And soothes my mounting rage?
There, in the lower corner, down by the copyright
There's a little tiny icon that looks as if it might
Be a link to customer service, my troubles soon will quit.
I click on it and I get a 404 . Oh sugar.
And when I finally reach that page that promises relief,
I'm staring at a document that's far beyond belief.
For where there should be answers to frequently asked questions
And online help and knowledge-bases is naught but indigestion.
There in type italics, underlined and bold
Is the number for your help desk phone
I should have stayed on hold!