Other jokes from the archive.
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Archived on April 25, 1999
A man, a plan, a canoe, pasta, heros, rajahs, a coloratura, maps, snipe, percale, macaroni, a gag, a banana bag, a tan, a tag, a banana bag again (or a camel), a crepe, pins, Spam, a rut, a Rolo, cash, a jar, sore hats, a peon, a canal -- Panama!
Sure there are longer ones...but "a banana bag again", "a coloratura"-- come on! You can't beat this.
From(now a dead link) http://www.ualberta.ca/~spencer
On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:
TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,
ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),
TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,
SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,
SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration, (Note: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens, turtle doves and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)
FOUR hours of recorded whale songs
THREE deconstructionist poets
TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses and...
ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.
Merry Christmas Happy Chanukah. Good Kwanzaa. Blessed Yule and Happy Holidays (unless otherwise prohibited by law) **Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder(SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.
IMAGINE IF, instead of incomprehensible geek text strings, your computer produced error messages in Haiku...
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Report" not found.
A file that big
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
Close all that you have.
You ask far too much.
The Tao that is seen
is not the true Tao, until
you bring fresh toner.
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
11. Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.
10. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
9. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
8. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call *E-Mail Envy.*
7. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.
6. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.
5. If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.
4. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
3. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
2. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.
And the number one reason Why E-Mail is Like a Male Reproductive Organ:
If you play with it too much, you go blind....
Big companies don't do business via chain letter. Bill Gates is not giving you $1000, and Disney is not giving you a free vacation. There is no baby food company issuing class-action checks. You can relax; there is no need to pass it on "just in case it's true". Furthermore, just because someone said in the message, four generations back, that "we checked it out and it's legit", does not actually make it true.
There is no kidney theft ring in New Orleans. No one is waking up in a bathtub full of ice, even if a friend of a friend swears it happened to their cousin. If you are hell-bent on believing the kidney-theft ring stories, please see: http://urbanlegends.tqn.com/library/weekly/aa062997.htm And I quote: "The National Kidney Foundation has repeatedly issued requests for actual victims of organ thieves to come forward and tell their stories. None have." That's "none" as in "zero". Not even your friend's cousin.
Neiman Marcus doesn't really sell a $200 cookie recipe. And even if they do, we all have it. And even if you don't, you can get a copy at: http://www.bl.net/forwards/cookie.html Then, if you make the recipe, decide the cookies are that awesome, feel free to pass the recipe on.
Even if the latest NASA rocket disaster (s) DID contain plutonium that went to particulate over the eastern seaboard, do you REALLY think this information would reach the public via an AOL chain-letter?
There is no "Good Times" virus. In fact, you should never, ever, ever forward any email containing any virus warning unless you first confirm it at an actual site of an actual company that actually deals with virii. Try: http://www.norton.com. And even then, don't forward it. We don't care.
If your CC: list is regularly longer than the actual content of your message, you're probably going to Hell.
If you still absolutely MUST forward that 10th-generation message from a friend, at least have the decency to trim the eight miles of headers showing everyone else who's received it over the last 6 months. It sure wouldn't hurt to get rid of all the "" that begin each line. Besides, if it has gone around that many times - I've probably already seen it.
11. Driving your fellow Congressman into the turnbuckle now considered acceptable method of ending a filibuster.
10. President now shouts entire State of the Union address with his face 18 inches from TV camera.
9. Government becomes a charade of meaningless noises and lots of posturing by a bunch of inarticulate losers with no class or manners-Hey, wait a minute...
8. Free school lunches destined for the needy instead go to the biggest, meanest, stupidest kid in each school.
7 Sex scandals now involve even skankier women.
6. January 20: Inauguration ceremonies
January 21: FDA approves over-the-counter sale of steroids
5. Newt Gingrich is finally able to wear his mask and cape out of the house.
4. During House debate, it is acceptable to yield to the gentleman wielding a folding chair.
3. Strom Thurmond *finally* removed by The Undertaker.
2. Line to bodyslam Ken Starr winds around Lincoln Memorial.
and Top5's Number 1 Change Under a Government Run by Pro Wrestlers...
Before: Mr. Vice President
After: Stone Cold Al Gore
WOMAN - A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS
Atomic Mass: Accepted as 118lbs. but known to vary from 110---550lbs.
Occurrence: Abundant quantities in all urban areas
Jan. 1, 2000, is The Big One, kids.
By now, you've heard that many of the world's computers will roll the date clock forward from "99" to "00" with potentially disastrous consequences. Year 2000 authorities prophesy problems as minor as erroneous overdue notices from the library and as major as a failure of the nation's power grid.
But that isn't the only computer "doomsdate" looming. A slew of lesser-known dates also could wreak technological havoc.
So brace yourself. The first date to dread -- Jan. 1, 1999 -- is fast approaching.
Aug. 21, 1999: The GPS rollover problem
The world's 24 global positioning satellites record time by counting the weeks that have passed since their launch in 1980. The weeks fill up a counter much like the odometer on your car. But like your odometer, the counter rolls over to 000 when it's full. At midnight on Aug. 21, 1999, the counter will be full. Equipment that uses the GPS signals may malfunction.
Sept. 9, 1999: The 9999 end-of-file problem
Many computers have been programmed to recognize 9999 as an "end-of-file" command. Perhaps some computers will conclude, quite logically, that a date of 9/9/99 means it's the end of all time.
Oct. 1, 1999: The federal fiscal year 2000 problem
Big Daddy rolls its clock forward Oct. 1, 1999. As of that date, the federal government officially enters its 2000 budget year. Every federal function will be affected, from defense to Medicare to payments on the federal debt.
Feb. 29, 2000: The Year 2000 leap year problem
Most programmers know the rules for calculating leap years: Any year evenly divisible by four is a leap year, except years that also are divisible by 100. So 1996 is a leap year, but 2000 isn't -- er, right? Well, there's a third, lesser-known rule that cancels the first two: Any year divisible by 400 is a leap year, including -- you guessed it -- 2000. The question is: How many programmers know that rule?
Circa 2025: The U.S. telephone number problem
By the year 2025 or so, the United States will simply run out of available seven-digit telephone numbers and area codes. Telephone companies will have to add digits or revamp the numbering system. That, in turn, will force software programmers to overhaul every piece of software that uses phone numbers, plus all databases and archives that store phone numbers.
Circa 2050 to 2075: The Social Security number problem
By 2075, the United States will have exhausted the 1 billion unique Social Security numbers possible under its nine-digit numbering system. Year 2000 expert Capers Jones suggests that the nation must be prepared by 2050 to expand or replace the many software applications that depend on those numbers.