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Archived on 11/16/98
GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE (Anyone remember QMS reviews?)God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, She asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.
1. How did you find out about God?
__ Newspaper __
__ Television __ Divine Inspiration
__ Word of mouth __ Near Death Experience
__ Tabloid __ Burning Shrubbery
__ Bible __ Other (specify): ________
2. Which model God did you acquire?
__ Yoweh __ Father, Son
& Holy Ghost Triplet
__ Jehova __ Jesus
__ Alah __ Satan
__ God __ G-d
__ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god
3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
__ Yes __ No
If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here:
4. What factors were relevent in your decision to acquire a god? Please check all that apply.
__ Indoctrinated by parents
__ Indoctrinated by society
__ Needed a reason to live
__ Needed focus in who to despise
__ Imaginary friend grew up
__ Hate to think for myself
__ Fear of death
__ Wanted to meet girls/boys
__ Wanted to piss off parents
__ Needed a day away from work
__ Desperate need for certainty
__ Like Organ Music
__ Need to feel Morally Superior
__ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
5. Have you ever worshipped a God before?
__ Yes __ No
If Yes, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
__ Zeus __ The Almighty Dollar
__ Appolo __ Left Wing Liberalism
__ Ra __ Barney T.B.P.D.
__ The great Spirit __ The Great Pumpkin
__ The Sun __ Bill Clinton
__ The Moon __ A burning cabbage
__ The Bomb __ Other: ____________
6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.
__ Astrology __ Television
__ Fortune cookies __ Ann Landers
__ Psychic Friends Network __ Dianetics
7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?
a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don't know...what's Divine Intervention?
8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
flood 1 2 3 4 5
famine 1 2 3 4 5
earthquake 1 2 3 4 5
war 1 2 3 4 5
pestilence 1 2 3 4 5
plague 1 2 3 4 5
SPAM 1 2 3 4 5
AOL 1 2 3 4 5
1 2 3 4 5
spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5
stars hovering over towns 1 2 3 4 5
crying statues 1 2 3 4 5
water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5
walking on water (other 1 2 3 4 5
than the Hudson)
talking flaming shrubbery 1 2 3 4 5
VCRs that set their own 1 2 3 4 5
Sadam Hussein still alive 1 2 3 4 5
Cubs winning the Series 1 2 3 4 5
Clinton's re-election 1 2 3 4 5
9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary):
A Rare Sighting
We were driving home from dinner yesterday and there it was, right out in the open. No hunting required, no special equipment, no guide book. Right on the side of the road in plain sight. I can't remember ever seeing another one. Maybe dad pointed one out when we were kids, but I don't think so. And it was a beauty. ... actually saw it first and pointed it out. Of course now that we can spot it, I'll be easy to see another.
What am I talking about? The rare perfect triple oxymoron. Three words. Any two just don't work together. Take all three in at the same time and the brow crinkles up in bewilderment. Brace yourself, here it is: VACATION BIBLE SCHOOL
THE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS THAT PRESIDENT CLINTON SHOULD HAVE GIVEN.
"Members of Congress... people of America... I banged her. I banged her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you haven't been paying attention. The only babes in D.C. I haven't tried to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're a little older than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy. Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary...I do.
If not for the ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to the President.
So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass that entered the Oval Office. Got it? Good. Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I was as horny as Woody Allen. But you elected me anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your part.
Your other choice was Bush, an aging baseball player and part-time resident of some place called "Kennebunkport" who thought he could bomb his way into the White House.
Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the same Alzheimer's he came in with.
There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate, smiling the whole time like his lithium drip had just kicked in.
Nixon before that coined, but never really understood the concept of plausible deniability, and almost got a one-way ticket to San Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing.
Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major contribution to American society was Agent Orange.
And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't hang around long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for "beaver- wrestling" shared by at least a dozen former residents of the White House.
Which brings me back to my point. Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House, government is doing more for less. The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to care about, evidently.
Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a night-watchman. And the stock market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of dumb-dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior college who can spell 'internet' has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where his or her next meal is coming from.
Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with my pecker showing.
What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter... unless, of course, she's a hotty with thin ankles, and then I'd like to discuss it. In the meantime, think about where you are today and what kind of life you're living before you get too interested in where I'm parking the Presidential limousine.
Thank you. Good night and God bless America.
THIS IS A TRUE STORY... [yea, right -ed.]
A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against ... get this ....fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company
In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued...and won.
In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires."
After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms.
Do you know your saints?
According to my close friend, the following is true.
St. Jude - Saint of Lost Causes.
St. Joseph - Saint of Real Estate sales. He was a carpenter and really knows a well built structure when he sees it. If you want to invoke his help, bury a statue of him 6 inches deep, upside down in the front yard. (I'm not sure what you do in Australia.) Best to do this on his day, March 19.
St. Anthony - Saint of lost stuff. Pray to him if you want something back. I understand that he has really warm feet from wearing all those lost socks.
Stupid Wives ?
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were.
The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in."
The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"
The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every time oi tink of it," he chuckles. "Moy woife just left to go on a holiday in Greece. Oy watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. And she doesn't even have a penis!"
There was an Englishman, an Irishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Scotland. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriage and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.
The Englishman was thinking: 'The Irish lad must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English gent must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Paddy and got slapped for it.' And the Irishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap that English bastard again.
(The pizza guy is here.)
"Auda similarum ad seattles."
(They all sound just like Pearl Jam.)
(Seize the wrinkled dog.)
"Nucleo predicus dispella conducticus."
(Remove foil before microwaving.)
(Hold on, I'm going into a tunnel.)
"Bodicus mutilatimus, unemploymi ad infinitum."
(Better take the nose ring out before the job interview.)
"Minutus cantorum, minutus balorum, minutus carborata descendum
(A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants.)
(Show Me The Money!)
"Veni, Vidi, Velcro"
(I came; I saw; I stuck around.)
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells: "PIG!!" The man immediately leans out his window and replies "BITCH." They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
A woman, completely fed up with her husband's AOL obsession, finally takes matters into her own hands. One night, as he is sitting at the computer, she goes into the bedroom, takes off all her clothes, puts on a full length mink coat, and posts herself between her husband and the monitor.
She pulls open the coat and yells, "Time for Super Sex!!!" He ignores her.
So, she repeatedly yells, "Super Sex", "Super Sex", "Super Sex!"
Finally, he replies, "Ok, Ok, I'll take the soup."