Jokes, archive 2

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Well, there were so many that I had to move some here.  You can start at Joke Page 1.

 

THE GOLFING PREACHER

There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession.

One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him.happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to the Lord and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing." The Lord nodded in agreement.

The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards (meters) away. A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to The Lord and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."

The Lord smiled. "Think about it -- who can he tell?"

You know you are from the Bay Area when...

Engineer Island

A rather inhibited engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean. It was the "craziest" thing he had ever done in his life. Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the huge ship, capsizing it like a child's toy. Somehow the engineer, desperately hanging on to a life preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island. Outside of beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope and for hours on end, sat under the same palm tree. One day, after several months had passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared. "I'm from the other side of the island," she said. "Were you on the cruise ship, too?"

"Yes, I was, " he answered. "But where did you get that rowboat?"

"Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunnel from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, what did you use for tools?" asked the man.

"There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. Anyhow, that's how I got the tools. But, enough of that," she said. "Where have you been living all this time? I don't see any shelter."

"To be honest, I've just been sleeping on the beach," he said.

"Would you like to come to my place?" the woman asked. The engineer nodded dumbly.

She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island, and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with a neat back splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid and around a palm tree. There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. "It's not much, but I call it home." Inside, she said, "Sit down please. Would you like to have a drink?"

"No, thanks," said the man. "One more coconut juice and I'll throw up!"

"It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas."

Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"

"No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life until I ended up on this island."

"Well if you'd like to shave, there's a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp. Next he showered -- not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom -- and went back downstairs. He couldn't help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked.

"You look great," said the woman. "I think I'll go up and slip into something more comfortable."

As she did, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds.

"Tell me," she asked, "we've both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely ... is there anything that you really, really miss? Something that all men and women need? Something that would be really nice to have right now!"

"Yes there is!" the man replied, shucking off his shyness. "There is something I've wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, it was just ... well, it was impossible."

"Well, it's not impossible, any more," the woman said.

The man, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly: "You have an internet connection here?"

ACTUAL BUMPER STICKERS (so they say...):

REJECTED DR. SEUSS BOOKS:

  1. The Cat in the Blender
  2. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbet
  3. Fox in Detox
  4. Who Shat in the Hat?
  5. The Flesh-Eating Lorax
  6. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
  7. Your Colon Can Moo---Can You?
  8. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
  9. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
  10. My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket
  11. Aunts in My Pants
  12. Horton Fakes an Orgasm

A random shot at Microsoft

One of Microsoft's finest techs was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target. The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area: "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"

Barney is Satan

Given: Barney is a cute purple dinosaur
Prove: Barney is Satan

1) Start with the given:

CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR

2) Change all U's to V's (which is the proper Latin anyway):

CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR

3) Extract all Roman Numerals:

C V V L D I V

4) Convert into Arabic values:

100 5 5 50 500 1 5

5) Add all the numbers:

666

Thus, Barney is Satan.

In the 4/11/97 Merc. News

David Letterman brings us the following signs you're in a bad cult:

8. Name of the cult: the "Larry Krishnas"
7. Meetings always end with, "Now let's go out and sell some Amway Products!"
6. Cult Web site is called "www.nutcase.com."
5. Entire membership consists of three 12-year-olds and a schnauzer.
4. You hear the words "next level" and "castration" in the same sentence.
3. They think an alien spaceship is hiding behind Chris Farley
2. Instead of guns, your cult is stockpiling bacon
1. On death shroud, you can clearly read words "Holiday Inn"

A selection of quotes from "I miss Dan Quayle".